Six indicators that you believe you are not good enough and what to do about it.
Our minds form beliefs about ourselves during childhood and adolescence through watching our role models and caregivers interact with themselves and others, experiencing how they interact with and treat us, and through navigating peer relationships while growing up (among other ways).
Those beliefs about ourselves were formed with the good intention to keep us safe and functioning in our family system while growing up so we could get our needs met and maintain the relationship with our attachment figure(s); these beliefs are likely not serving you as an adult and may be hindering you from being who you want to be.
The exciting thing is, our brains and our bodies are always open to rewiring which means that it is possible to change these beliefs about ourselves that may be limiting and self-sabotaging in nature.
One of the most common beliefs that I come across with my young adult and adult female-identifying clients is that they are not good enough. Sometimes the belief is too hurtful to be aware of all the time. When this happens, other parts of your mind take on roles to become a buffer between you and the core belief so you don’t have to be consumed by the hurt you feel when you believe that you are not good enough.
So, how do you know if one of the beliefs formed in your childhood is that you are not good enough? Here are six indicators that I look for to determine whether or not someone believes to their core that they are not good enough:
You shape-shift your personality to fit the environment that you are in.
You mask how you really feel and tell others what you think they will accept or like. You tend to people-please. Other people being comfortable is more important to you than your own comfort.
You strive for perfection. Maybe you have been called an “overachiever”. You also have difficulty saying “no” when people ask something of you. Setting boundaries is hard.
You are self-critical and question what you say and do. You worry about how others perceive you.
You have lots of acquaintances, but few, if any, deep, meaningful relationships.You have a hard time being vulnerable and opening up to others. People feel like they don’t really know you.
You are disconnected from yourself. You are unsure of your opinions, or are afraid to share them with others. If asked to describe yourself, you struggle to get specific because you aren’t sure of who you really are.
Remember, these indicators are traits that you developed as a child in order to feel safe and maintain attachment to your primary caregivers. Maybe they were the parts of you that were praised, the values that were instilled in you, or how you were expected to behave. You may have been ridiculed or disciplined when you did not display these traits which caused your needs to not be met. You may have watched your attachment figures act in these ways and internalized their behaviors and beliefs as your own. Regardless of how this belief was formed, there is something you can and should do about it.
The first step is to watch yourself with an air of curiosity to see if you can pick out any of these indicators in your life. Once you have recognized any of these, the next step is to stop yourself and question why you are behaving the way that you are and whether or not that behavior is serving you any more. To do this ask yourself, “what am I afraid of happening if I do not behave this way?”
From there, you get to decide what you need to let go of so that your actions and decisions are not ruled anymore by the belief of not being good enough.
What would be possible in your life if you believed the opposite? Start to validate and remind yourself that you are, in fact, GOOD ENOUGH just as you are and see what changes in your life and in your relationships as a result.
Oftentimes, doing this work can feel overwhelming on your own. I get it and I’ve been there; but, that is what therapy is for. It can be the safe space in which you examine yourself so that you can rebuild yourself into the person that you WANT to be, not the person that you HAD to be to feel safe and get your needs met.
