Why do I feel the need to be perfect, the best, or at least better than the next?

Perfectionism is something that a lot of us have felt the weight of at least once in our life. Many of us feel as though we must constantly strive to be better, hold high expectations for ourselves, and become critical of ourselves when we don’t attain the goals we set for ourselves however unrealistic they may be. Sound familiar? The question is, where does this need to be perfect come from?

There are likely many reasons someone might develop the need to be perfect. One way I would encourage you to start viewing perfectionism is as a protective mechanism. Many people have a part of their mind that uses perfectionism, or constantly striving, to cover up the pain of not feeling worthy or good enough. The brain thinks, “if I can be the best at something, then I will matter.” The mind then uses criticism to try to motivate us to work harder so we can receive adoration through external validation.

Society says that worth comes from accomplishment and is something to be earned. For example, as parents we tend to praise our kids the most when they accomplish something, even if that something is simply “being kind.” As young people we internalize the adoration we get when we excel at something and tie that skill to our worth.

Let’s take the example of the kid always being praised for being “the nice kid”, that child will likely internalize this as “I am worthy when I am nice.” This belief about themself may lead them to become the person who struggles to set boundaries or say no to extra work because they believe that they have to “be nice” in order to be worthy of ________ (their job, their relationship, their friendship, someone’s time, etc.). There are one hundred other ways this cycle plays out. It comes down to someone believing that they need to be “the best” to receive external approval which guards against the deeper wound of not feeling good enough.

The problem is, with this pattern of navigating life, we lose sight of the fact that our worthiness is not tied to a skill or an accomplishment, our worthiness comes from just being. It is inherent. We must unlearn the belief that our value, our worth is tied to what we do well; and by doing so, our mind will stop using criticism and self-judgment to motivate us.

So the next time you catch yourself striving to attain something and then criticizing yourself for not being able to attain it, when you notice that dull ache of not feeling good enough come forward tell yourself this: I have worth because I exist. I don’t need the accomplishment or the praise to know that I am good enough just as I am.

Finally, if this is resonating with you, trying to meet the need behind the striver part is a good first step.

1. Get to know what the deeper need is that your striver part is trying to protect you from experiencing the pain of. Some common themes are: feelings of unworthiness, not feeling good enough, or fear of abandonment.

2. Then, consider working on your ability to meet that need when you notice yourself striving for perfection. For example, try matching every critical thought with a self-compassionate thought or write down 3 reasons you are good enough or worthy and repeat those reasons to yourself daily over a period of a few weeks.

   —At the very least, begin to tell yourself what is happening when you notice the pattern of unhealthy striving such as, “My brain is just trying to protect me right now. Why?” And follow it up with, “what do I actually need to do right now that might be better for me than working this hard?”

3. Take time to reflect and notice what changes to your mindset, mood, and self-perception may have occurred over this timeframe.